The following is a collection of intelligence mission reports intercepted in 2013, secretly disguised as Facebook updates. The deep cover agent known only as, “the Professor” is speculated to work for a top-secret branch of the intelligence community devoted to eliminating the looming squirrel threat that almost every government on the planet has been able to keep secret, until now.
The President calls me this morning and says, “Professor, it seems all our special forces guys are off fighting terrorists and I really have no one to deal with this whole impending end of the world thing. We are fairly certain that the enemy race of genetically engineered ultra-intelligent squirrels is plotting to set the Mayan Apocalypse predictions into motion.” So it is up to me to defeat the evil squirrel race and make sure that life as we know can continue.
If you wake up on December 21st and the world is still here, just know that somewhere on the planet I’m sitting on an enormous pile of squirrel corpses drinking a beer and smoking an Arturo Fuente Anejo Reserva.
It is far worse than we thought! I’ve identified the squirrels by their cover organization, The Squirrel Liberation Front. It appears they are training on a small island off the coast of Italy, deep within the Illuminati stronghold. I’m going to need an iPhone 5 for this. Yes, I think with SIRI at my fingertips, we might stand a chance. Please send all iPhone and cigar donations ASAP. Remember, the future of humanity may depend on it!
Apparently, working for the President to save the world is a lot like working for FedEx. You can jump seat anywhere in the world if you have security clearance and mission priority.
After an awesome dinner of pulled smoked deer meat thanks to Mr. Shipley, I jump seated aboard a super-secret spy plane and shot around the globe in less than six hours! Unfortunately, I didn’t get the Tony Stark treatment I asked for. Instead of hot towels, hot sake and hot flight attendants; I got Lt. Gherkin. He was the black sheep of his family for giving up his birthright in the family pickle business to pursue his career as an Air Force special ops pilot.
Gherkin dropped me somewhere in northern Italy yesterday so I could covertly make my way into the illuminati territory unnoticed.
It was only after a quick cup of espresso while downloading a tactical analysis app, that I noticed a squirrel in the park across the street watching me intently. Yeah, this could get ugly.
After a tussle with 5 squirrels genetically spliced with DNA from Jean Claude Van Damme, I was able to properly recon the situation. I’ve been extracted and should make it home for date night with my wife. After all, it is important to keep your priorities in such times as this.
Good news! The squirrels apparently got wind and evacuated the illuminati stronghold. Our latest satellite intel shows them gathering in mass on a small island off the Florida Keys. Not only is this much closer to deal with, it is much easier to monitor via spy satellite.
Most importantly, I have a plan. As soon as the president gets back to me with his full instatement of my secret weapon as an agent, I’ll be ready to mount my offensive and save the planet.
Realizing I can’t face down the advancing squirrel army alone, I called upon my secret weapon, my most trusted companion. This evening special agent Luna Bella was cleared for duty. Yeah, that’s right, my cat will be saving the world with me. Or as the CIA likes to call her, the Great Squirrel Eviscerater, but her official codename is, the Luna Bomber. Let’s see how those squirrels do against the “Two Paw Death Pounce”.
We are currently in briefing for a high-altitude night drop. Lt Gherkin has already earned points by letting me know he has the ACDC queued up for our flight.
Now I just have to make some cheesy gnocchi with mushrooms, turkey bacon and sun-dried tomatoes for a quick pot luck Christmas party before battle.
Rest assured, the world will not end on my watch! Unless of course Jesus comes back. That one is out of my hands.
12/21/2013 [final report]
I have to admit, I’ve had my share of less than stellar ideas in my life, but doing a high altitude jump in the dead of night with a cat strapped to me is almost the worst brainchild of them all, beaten out only slightly by the two-mile swim with a very wet angry cat on my shoulders. However, it was all worth it the moment I hit the beach and one serious blazing ferocious canon of pissed off wet cat fury jumped from my shoulder and took off up the beach into the darkness. It was only a matter of time after that. I had only to follow the shrieking of terrified squirrels and their fresh corpses till I made my way to the base in an old Spanish fort deep in the center of the island.
As my trusty companion continued to take out the legions of squirrel foot soldiers, I made my way to the heart of the fortress. That is when I met my nemesis, the great white albino squirrel mastermind and her royal guards. They were all that stood between me and the Mayan relics already placed in position for the ritual to bring about the apocalypse.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, why should I be worried about a couple of squirrel guards? Well, my legitimate concern comes from the fact that they were genetically modified with Chuck Norris DNA. Think seven tiny squeaking little Chuck Norris’s, all waiting to rip me apart. It was a long bloody fight, ending with me impaling the final guard on a candy cane.
Soon, I had the charges set all around the large stone tablets after I strapped the great white rodent leader to them. Only minutes to go, I made my way to a safe vantage point. As the fortress went up in flames, Luna came strutting down the path to the beach still licking squirrel viscera from her claws. One squirrel army, defeated. One Mayan prophecy, thwarted.
And that is how I saved the planet and stopped the end of the world as we know it. And you know what? I really do feel fine. 😉
So, as you start your day, I’ll be sitting back with a PBR and a fine cigar while Luna munches on a dead squirrel. So count your blessings, hug your babies and enjoy your day. This one is on me…. and one badass kitty.
Also, if anyone wants to donate a deep freezer to the cause, I’d be most appreciative. I need a place to store the squirrel meat. Luna is expecting to eat well for the next couple of years.