In 2013, a series of top secret mission updates in the guise of Facebook posts were intercepted, revealing a the narrow margin that almost led to the destruction of humanity. Two years later, the same source revealed another rising threat being dealt with by an underground intelligence agent known only as, “the Professor”. This is an account of his deadly service that will most likely go unnoticed by the world at large.
Code name: the snuggler
Birthplace: South Korea
Special Skills: dizzy toddler style Kung fu, aikido, high frequency yelling, and crotch head but.
Preferred weapons: empty hand and flaming diaper bomb, matchbox cars and Lego blocks.
11/24/15 (2 days before Thanksgiving)
I hear them out there cackling in the darkness. The evil bioengineered squirrels have returned.
It has been 4 years since agent Luna and I last encountered the genetically modified super squirrels during the Mexico incident. I guess the cat missed a few. How quickly they repopulate.
Final confirmation came with the designated cellphone ring from the President. The squirrels are indeed back, with new bio enhancements. Worst of all, they had new allies, ISIS. I foresee a long Thanksgiving Holiday.
S.O.P dictates that following the call, comes a knock at the door from my handler. The situation is worse than I expected. On top of the newly enhanced offspring, apparently the intact squirrels that Luna took out last time have been revived with a reanimation chip in their heads. Yes, that means we will be taking on zombie squirrel terrorists.
Not happy with the zombie squirrel news, I remembered I have one advantage to go with my feline sidekick, an MMA trained toddler with no pain receptors.
And so it begins.
Code name: the professor
Rank: senior agent/ assassin
Special skills: Krav Maga, ninjutsu, applied linguistics, megalomania
Preferred weapons: edged weapons, assorted handguns, and scoped Remington sniper pellet gun
Now that I knew the cackling was from zombie squirrel commandos, I knew I only had a small window of time to be prepared for the pending night assault. Agent Luna went into stealth mode. When the sun went down and the moon came up, we were waiting.
The combat started just past 9pm. I knew that even with an infrared night scope, the cold lifeless bodies of the zombie squirrels made a sniper assault useless. Fortunately, I was in a bad mood from not being able to attend pub trivia night.
Move over Deadpool, “daddy needs to express some rage”.
I awoke cold, shirtless and bloodied in a storm drain somewhere on the outskirts of Binghampton, a broken k-bar blade still gripped tight in my hand. The long walk back to midtown would jar my memory of the night’s events. For now, I was only certain that zombie squirrels are way harder to kill than regular mutant squirrels.
As the sun rose over Memphis, memories came in flashes. Was it 5 or 7 squirrels that I impaled on my titanium katana sword before thrusting it into the engine block of the oncoming Ford Expedition. Who taught those little bastards how to drive? What happened to my shirt?
I entered the house to find agent Luna slick with squirrel blood on her fur, lapping at her water bowl calmly. I was relieved, since I had lost track of her in the initial onslaught.
She looked up and purred with satisfaction.
Code name: the Lunabomber
Rank: agent/ assassin
Special skills: beast mode, insanity beast mode, and “I’m gonna catch that damned laser pointer” beast mode.
Preferred weapons: claws and fangs
After receiving a text from my handler that last night was just the beginning, with more zombie squirrels on the way, I took my kid to school and am headed to the gym. I hope my trainer doesn’t make me do squats. I hate squats.
Next mission update: Enter “the snuggler”